DAVID ELMY

     I live with my girlfriend in a spacious one bedroom in Queens. We see each other everyday. We also go out with each other. We go to museums, to a show, we take long walks around Manhattan. We also go to restaurants and eat food with each other on occasion. We also spend all major holidays together and are in constant communication via text message when we are not together.

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     Even with all that my girlfriend thinks we don’t spend enough time together. One point of contention of hers is that we do not watch television together, that we do not have any shows that are “ours”. I love this woman but I must admit she has shitty taste in TV. I mean, she’s never even watched The Wire? What am I supposed to do with that? If someone said to me, “Hey, do you want to watch the greatest TV show ever?” and I responded with “Nah, I’m going to watch the new Mindy Project.” people would think I was insane.

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     Luckily for my girlfriend she is dating a man who understands relationships like AMC understands quality, original programming. A man who knows that the foundation of any relationship is sacrifice and compromise. To show her that I care I sat down with the love of my life to view one of her favorite shows, Once Upon A Time.

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     Now my one and only claims that I zone out or get distracted when trying to watch her shows, that there is no investment. I beg to differ and told her I would show her what love is all about. Once Upon a Time is an ABC show that is set in Storybrooke, a town whose inhabitants are all fairy tale characters that are stuck in the present day due to a curse. All the characters have interesting backstories according to my girlfriend. She begins to fill me in but I am preoccupied with the quality of my Jiffy Pop which is subpar. I love Jiffy Pop and getting a bad bag like this is a huge bummer. Anyway, let’s start the show...

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00:36 – Nice! Ginnifer Goodwin is in this show! I think she is a great actor, I loved her in Big Love. Maybe this won’t be so bad. Big Love was a good show, but that is because it also had Bill Paxton. Does Once Upon a Time have Bill Paxton? My girlfriend responds with a “Shhh, no.”

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01:10 – A careful scan of the credits confirms this as a Paxton-less production. No Paxton! Where is Bill Paxton these days? He is so awesome in everything he does. Why isn’t he working more? Such a great character actor. Remember him in Aliens? Man what an great flick, I would love to watch Aliens right now!

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02:15 – Aliens, Twister, Apollo 13, True Lies, Titanic. There was a time in Hollywood where you didn’t make a hit movie without casting Bill Paxton in it. He could be the lead or an amazing supporting actor, the man did it all. He was the Phil Collins of film, whatever he touched turned to gold. My girlfriend tells me to stop naming Paxton movies. Impossible I say, the guy’s filmography is unprecedented.

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05:58 – Robert Carlyle is in this show! Wow, I love this guy. Always turns in a believable performance. Remember him in Trainspotting! So good right? Did you know that they’re making a sequel to Trainspotting? Why? That was a great film and the ending was perfect, do we need to pick up with those characters 20 years later? Why can’t Hollywood just let some films be? What are they going to do in Trainspotting 2, more heroin? Stupid.

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09:39 – My girlfriend asks if I am paying attention, yes is my reply. She quizzes me on what was just said in the scene. I say that isn’t fair as I just got a text from my buddy Sean who is going to be in town three weeks from now and my response was time sensitive. She tells me to name one thing that has happened so far. I point out the lack of Paxton to her again. She stares daggers at me and turns back to the show. One of the characters is holding a dream catcher. I hate dream catchers. Don’t catch your dreams guys, force them to come true.

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14:17 – This show is taking place in two separate worlds, which my girlfriend claims she told me. She says that the show flashes back between the fairy tale world and present day. “ Awesome!” I say as I receive another text from Sean, Fat Charles is coming with him! Cool! I haven’t seen Fat Charles since Sharkey’s wedding.

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17:48 – All the actors are playing multiple characters. I point this out to my betrothed and await a thank you for my attentiveness but instead of gratitude I am met with scorn. Apparently she believes she told me of this earlier. I don’t recall that. Admittedly I have had a lot on mind with the Walking Dead being back. Oh man! It’s Sunday, The Walking Dead is on! I cannot wait, this season has been so good, you know? The way they just dove in with all this action has been riveting to watch. Just great television. “Now that is a TV show” I remark to my better half. She glares at me and I feel true terror.

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23:39 – New text, Fat Charles wants to sneak into the World Series? Classic Fat Charles right there, the guy is a barrel of laughs. He is like the Bill Paxton of friends, so versatile. I can’t wait to hear his plan!

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28:52 – One character seems very concerned about finding a horse. I notice this as I pick my head up from my tablet, got a seriously tough Candy Crush level that I am trying to crack. This game is merciless fun. My sweetie pie is in the bedroom, the door is shut. When did that happen?

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31:37 – Okay, she isn’t coming back out and it appears I am not allowed in the bedroom. Candy Crush is a wash (again) and I have paused Once Upon A Time. Honestly I am going to have to give this one an Incomplete rating as I will not be finishing it. Some interesting ideas, nice looking, clean sets. The actors all seemed to know their lines, solid effort is apparent. But alas, did not watch enough to give an actual review of this show.

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     Okay, I am going to knock on the bedroom door again. Hopefully my baby will let me in so I can deliver a Paxton-like monologue about commitment and accepting apologies. What I say will undoubtedly be amazing but it will pale in comparison to any dialogue from The Wire, which remains the greatest American achievement since the space shuttle program.